Didn't she have a wart?
Yes, but he left her.
Ran away with a policewoman.
On her chin.
Nothing unsightly.
She was quite attractive.
The wart was her best feature?
Did I say that?
It's very difficult to have a serious conversation round here.
Yes, we've noticed that.
Are you sure he ran away with a policewoman?
I mean, maybe he was being arrested.
You see what I mean?
I think I'll just go to sleep.
If there's any room, we'll probably join you.
I'm coming! Get off the horn! I love that golden voice.
Oh, get up, woman!
You don't have to kneel for me.
I want a word with you.
Right, go ahead. Although I must warn you,
I'm not ready for any personal commitments.
We all know what you're ready for.
What was that row last night?
Row?
You came home singing.
That wasn't a row.
That was a musical postcard from me to you.
I was just ready to empty a jug on you.
I looked at your lonely bedroom window and I thought,
"Guess who needs a little music in her life?"
Who says it's lonely?
Very little through traffic.
And there's no parking either.
I saw your light was on and I thought, "Now what can I do to brighten up her life?"
Well, you could move.
No, no, I'm not moving in with you.
You'll have to worship me at a distance.
A great distance would be nice.
Has he had a bad night?
Not yet. But unless he snaps out of it, he's going to have one tonight.
You know, Travis never looks on the bright side.
You'd think he'd hurt his eyes.
He's been like it since yesterday.
Regrets. Wished he'd had more colour in his life.
Did he say what colour?
He got brown.
I made him stain the kitchen door.
I wish I'd joined the paratroopers when I was first tempted.
What's this? What's it look like?
I'm not buying you that for your birthday. It's MY birthday.
Aye. And they're beginning to show.
Have you seen yourself lately?
You'd age anyone.
Come here!
Don't be arguing in front of people. Don't leave for me.
I'd sooner listen than lose a customer.
I'll bring him back. You wouldn't like to leave a small deposit first?
We'll be back. Not to buy that thing, we won't!
Shut your face in front of people. If you're not blowing your horn, you're blowing your mouth off.
Where are you dragging me to?
To where people can't hear.
They can hear you in Leeds.
Shut it! I think I can say, without fear of contradiction, that this is
probably the best, nearly-new fridge-freezer in the universe.
I had my own eye on this one.
I don't want to buy her stuff like that for her birthday.
No. I want to buy her something more personal.
Suppose we put her initials on it?
We'll take it. We won't take it.
She wants something that'll give her a lot of pleasure.
Now let me think. Let me think, let me think.
I've got it.
A new hi-fi!
I knew he'd come up with that. You lousy, tricky devil.
Did you hear that?
Where's the gratitude? Can you not see what I'm up against?
Do you think I don't know your scheming mind?
What's wrong with hi-fi?
I'm talking state of the art here.
Hours of listening pleasure.
For you. I don't want hi-fi.
I want some useful domestic appliance.
We deliver. We can have it on your doorstep before you can say the first 15 chapters of the Bible.
She wants hi-fi. I don't want hi-fi.
I want a fridge freezer. Domestic appliances are no good for birthdays.
Whose birthday is it?
Whose? Exactly.
I'm glad you brought that up.
Whose birthday?
It'll soon be the King's.
It'll soon be Elvis's.
And this year I was hoping this year we might celebrate it with a bigger sub-woofer.
You see! The conniving blob!
Now, now, now. Hold it!
Simmer down a bit.
I can see a solution forming here.
Why don't you buy a fridge-freezer,
and I'll give you discount on a little radio to put on top of it?
I was hoping to buy something that'll bring us closer.
When have we ever been close, you wormcake?
Not us. Closer to him!
He wants the hi-fi so he can play his Elvis collection.
Is that a felony to want the best for the King?
Elvis lives!
I just wish he was living.
With you.
He can have my place any day.
Don't either of you two have any regrets?
Not till you came in.
I'm serious.
I think that's a fair description.
I wish I'd chosen a life with more colour...
Spectacle.
Excitement. Even danger.
You've got Pearl.
How much danger do you want?
And for spectacle and excitement, there's always...
Enough!
I knew you'd drag that young lady into it.
Look who's talking.
If anybody does any dragging about of that young lady, it's you.
It wasn't how it looked.
I told you.
She got entangled in this bramble bush.
"In", you'll notice.
Not just "happened to be passing."
And then he says he lacks excitement.
I'm trying to be serious.
Nobody takes me seriously.
Which shows a certain amount of good judgment.
Where would you like to be taken seriously?
You should have more sympathy for a person in emotional distress.
That sounds serious.
Maybe he is serious.
I am.
I've left things too late.
I should have gone for more in life.
I should have aimed higher.
Don't you ever wish you'd gone for more in life?
I was a lino salesman at the Co-op.
You mean there was more?
I'm not accepting it. I'm not touching it.
I don't want it. It's not for me.
It'll grow on you. You never did.
Oh, Ethel, let's not get personal.
It's your birthday. Exactly.
So I should get to pick my present.
Not always. What about surprises?
The surprise is you've got the flaming nerve to pretend it's for me.
It's a gift. You can't throw a gift in a person's face.
If I can lift it, just watch me.
You're unbelievable, woman!
What a personality!
It's like living with a crocodile. I'm the envy of all my friends.
All? You've only got that twit from Halifax and he's a moron.
Quality hi-fi.
You can take it back.
Oh, in and out!
That's interesting. You want to reconsider?
Just right for birthday.
We'll take it. We won't take it.
Are you two like this always or just birthdays? Always.
I want a washing machine.
You've come right place.
Also do washing machines. She wants hi-fi.
Cunning solution would be buy hi-fi and washing machine.
No way. She makes her mind up.
It's made up. I want a washing machine.
She gets hi-fi. I'll put me foot through it.
Can you hear it? She wears you out.
She wears out your blue suede shoes.
He's off! I try to make a shrine for Elvis in the house.
I try keep the flame going till Elvis returns.
Returns? No one-way ticket? He went return?!
Elvis lives.
People have seen him. Pay no attention to him.
He's severely ... And that's one of his better qualities.
Will you stop embarrassing me in front of people?
You're only making a fool of yourself.
Who could embarrass you, you thick pudding?
You see what I have to live with? It's my birthday.
You're supposed to be buying for me.
Not the tie. Not the tie.
Not the tie.
And you've been no help. Have you nothing to say?
Happy birthday.
Here, girl! Good dog. Come here.
Elvira!
Here, girl!
Come to Barry...
There's a good dog.
See what Barry's got.
Don't be lost!
If you're lost,
I'm dead.
Elvira!
Elvira? It's not my dog.
I'm looking after it for a favour.
Whatever happened to Bess? Pat?
Lassie?
She's a pedigree. I expect they thought they owed it to her.
Kids have weird names these days, too.
At least you don't lose them in the bushes.
With the row they make I'd be very tempted.
Elvira.
Pay attention, girl.
This is your master's whisper.
Ethel! Unlock this car! Ethel!
Ethel, you're doing my head in. I'm warning you.
What's his problem? I think she is.
Ethel!
Ethel! Will you open this door?
They can't decide what she wants for birthday.
At least he knows what he wants. He wants to get in the car.
Open the door.
He wants hi-fi.
She wants domestic appliance.
Oh, he's had it.
Look at the face on her. Ethel! Ethel!
To me, that says domestic appliance.
I'm going to count to five.
Stop bragging. You'll never get past four.
Now look what you've done!
Can you fix this? Would that be instead of or as well as hi-fi?
As well as.
She gets hi-fi.
I like man who knows his mind.
I haven't got a mind any more. I've got Ethel.
How long have you had Ethel? She's not that bad.
She's good round the house.
She frightens burglars.
She'd frighten me. She frightens me.
It's like living life on the edge.
You know, but I love it. The cut and the thrust.
It makes you feel alive.
You know what I mean? She's a bit heavy on ties.
And door handles.
Oh, no. That's something new.
Look at her. That's malice for you.
You'd go a long way to find a temper like this, you know.
Classic old bat, is that.
But she makes me proud cos she's mine.
There's not many could handle as much woman as that, you know.
Or maybe even want to.
She's a star.
She reminds me of Elvis.
I don't see why.
You have to be there.
You know, it's the energy she puts into her performance.
Are you going to stand there gobbing all day?
You see? She gives it 100%.
Shut your yap, I'm coming.
My boss's dog!
What kind of fool loses his boss's dog?
How did you manage to lose the dog?
That was the easy bit. Finding her's the tricky part.
You took her off the lead?
They said take her off the lead.
She likes a run, they said. And boy, does she?
She went like a rocket.
Did you call her?
Just about every name under the sun.
Have you tried shouting "Elvira"?
The dog takes no notice but people come running to look at you.
The boss's dog.
It could have been worse.
How? You could be Japanese.
I bet if they lost the boss's dog, they'd have to commit suicide.
What a good idea. Why didn't I think of that?
You'll have to find her. Why aren't you still out there looking for her?
I'm going to get the car and cover more ground.
And you can come and shout for me.
Because I'm not shouting "Elvira" any more.
Well, we all know what I need for my birthday.
It's a new handle for the car door.
Shut up. You pulled it off. And whose fault was that?
Yours, you dozy closet. Nobody asked you to pull the damned handle off.
She does this to me, you know.
She drives me spare. And what do think it does to me?
Living with a muffin who thinks Elvis is still alive?
People have seen him. People like you.
You think Elvis still alive? That's good.
Good?
If he believes that, I should be able to sell him washing machine.
There are witnesses. Elvis has been seen.
It's time you were seen by somebody.
Can we fill in a few details here?
Who's seen him? It was in this magazine.
Elvis, he's been sighted all over.
Oh, not only still alive.
Still touring.
Here, girl.
Elvira! Elvira!
Elvira!
Elvira! She can't hear that.
I'm not shouting her name any louder.
Oh. What?
I've found some traces of a dog.
Urgh! I don't think your boss is going to settle for that.
At least it's a sign.
You don't know it's her.
She's not going to leave her signature.
Elvira!
Louder. There's nobody out here.
That's what you think.
Every time I shout Elvira somebody pops out of a bush.
Then shorten it.
Elvi! Elvi!
Here, girl.
Elvi!
Here girl! Elvi.
Elvi! Elvi, Elvi, Elvi! Elvi!
What? Listen!
Elvi!
Somebody calling.
Yes, that's definitely somebody calling.
He knows somebody calling when he hears it.
Elvi! Elvi!
So, somebody's calling? But listen to who they're calling.
They're calling Elvis!
Gimme the keys. You're not driving in that condition.
Oh, listen, woman! I know it's something you don't do best, but will you please just listen?
Why would they be calling Elvis?
Because he's been seen.
Come here. Here. I like this person.
You can go for years without finding one of these.
It seems like good idea. No, no. The man needs help.
You'll get no argument from me.
Come on! Here's your chance to do something for poor Lance.
I think Ethel already doing something.
The man wants to see Elvis.
Maybe we should help him see Elvis.
That could be called wicked.
Yes. I like it too.
Whatever happened to finding elegance in men?
Whatever happened to finding men?
The way they look these days!
I mean, how can you write a romantic novel with somebody dressed like that?
Oh! Marina!
Care to comment?
Pass. Would either of you ladies be going my way?
No.
No? You're not dressed for escorting ladies.
I don't see why.
I can understand dressing for comfort.
But sometimes one yearns for a little glamour.
I don't know one should be going about yearning for glamour.
A gentleman's legs have no place in the street.
The naked male should be kept strictly indoors.
Not that either of us is actually keeping one, you understand.
Well, of course I've got an Elvis outfit.
What kind of costume hire department doesn't have an Elvis outfit?
Good. Excellent.
All we need now is a volunteer to wear it.
You supply the volunteer, I'll supply the outfit.
Not job for just anybody.
That's true.
You'll want someone with a natural flair for looking ridiculous.
What? What? Come in, Howard.
Don't loiter in the doorway.
Yes, come on in, lad.
Take the weight off your wallet.
Who does he remind you of?
I was just thinking the same.
He could be his double.
Whose double?
Voice too. Uncanny. Swear it was him.
I can see him now, live in concert.
You're looking troubled, Howard.
I've just been told I'm lacking in glamour.
We have solution.
Fate must have brought him here.
What? What?
How do you want yours? Why do you ask? You only do burned.
Do you want it medium, or well-burned?
Look out! Car coming. He's not stopping, is he?
He is. He's stopping.
It's the uniform.
They think we've nowt else better to do than fuss around the public.
Have you seen him? He's been sighted. People have seen him!
That's not much of a description.
Go on! Give us a clue.
The King. Elvis. He's been sighted. People have seen him!
Has he been drinking? No.
He can get stupid on stone-cold sober.
People have seen him. And where have they seen him?
Well, it sounded as though he was in some tree somewhere.
Does a lot of that, does he?
Well, don't you be taking the wee-wee. I just asked you a simple question.
Have we seen this dead person?
You're supposed to be helpful!
Very good, sir. If we see this dead person, where would we contact you?
I'll be round here somewhere, looking for Elvis! He's looking for Elvis. I'm just looking embarrassed.
She heard him.
She heard his name shouted just like I did. Somebody had just seen him.
Pay no attention to him.
We think he's had his head trapped.
Are you married? Thoroughly.
But thank you for the offer.
None of you'll be laughing when I find Elvis!
With all the changes that happen these days, it's kind of reassuring to find insanity alive and well.
You can get reassured quite often round here.
What do you think about Canada?
Am I supposed to be thinking about Canada?
I think you ought to start since we're going to be moving there.
We keep looking till we find her.
Suppose something's happened to her?
What's going to happen to her out here?
I don't... Maybe an eagle.
Have you ever seen an eagle out here?
She'll be chasing rabbits.
Suppose they've ganged up on her?
This band of vicious rabbits?
She could have had a heart attack.
She could have been abducted by aliens who are studying our
flora and fauna but I don't think it's all that likely.
I wonder what the fare is to Canada?
Think positively.
Keep calling her.
Elvi!
Elvi! Elvi! Elvi! Elvi!
Elvi!
Elvi! Elvi!
Listen! Now do you believe me? You've been laughing at me all these years.
For more than Elvis. You've always been laughable, Elvis or not.
You know, you just won't admit that you're wrong, will you?
Listen who's talking! You told our Eric's kid that Venice was in France.
I was just testing. Elvi!
Listen! It's there again. He's here somewhere!
I wasn't intending quite so glamorous.
Go for it. You're looking good.
Doesn't he look great? Looks great.
Little more conviction.
Looks really great.
You see? Everybody notices.
You think so? Trust me.
You've even got the walk.
Hasn't he got the walk?
With both legs. I'm impressed.
What?
Howard? Can't stop!
You don't have to. I'll come with you.
It's the least I can do, now he's made all that effort.
You pass one comment about a person's shorts and look how they over-react!
It's no good. She's gone.
I'll have to leave the country.
Is this where you last saw her?
Round here somewhere. Elvi! Elvi!
Elvi! Elvi!
Come on, Elvi. Give us a break.
Show yourself, Elvi.
Come out, Elvi! We know you're there.
Elvi!
I'm not really Elvis.
Just an amazing lookalike.
He almost convinced me.
Don't you pick on him.
He might be a muffin, but he's my muffin.
Can't you call her off?
I find it best not to interfere.
Oh, Elvira! Oh, how clever is that?
She found me. She likes me.
I knew she'd find me. Hey.
Oh, well done, Elvira.
I'll have fish, chips and peas.
And he wants...
Just fish.
My place in half and hour.
Don't be late.
Just watch where you're pedalling. I don't want any more with skid marks.
I blew the dust off every chip!
Be there. Get them while they're hot.
Funny thing.
I saw Howard this morning.
He was dressed just like Elvis.
Did you get his autograph?